Self-Sabotage

I often wonder where I would be if I had never wasted time. If I never doubted myself. If I just went for what I wanted instead of waiting for the “right” time. Today’s me would be in a different place, a place of contentment. I know it can be easy to fall victim to thinking of what I could have changed in the past and what could have been, but that is not going to do anything except further stunt my progress, and I need to break free from that. I have been a victim of self-sabotage for so long, and I am over it.

State. A state is temporary, for the moment, so being in a state of something will not last forever. But a state of stagnancy for years eventually takes a toll on you. I always hoped for a breakthrough when I was doing the same thing that led me nowhere. I had the same mindset and practiced doing the same things without seeing results. I would do the bare minimum and hoped it would get me by. A non-existent work ethic, a happy-go-lucky attitude, and wishful thinking did nothing for me, and I had to find out the hard way. But why would things work out for me when I failed to do all I had to do? All I knew I had to do? I now know that I need to change my strategy, and it starts with working on myself. I need to pour into myself and fulfill my being.

I have been in need of reassurance and prayed for a breakthrough with no explicit response. I went on paths that I knew were not for me, but I continued on because I needed to get by at the moment and hoped things would ultimately work out. I struggled to find my destiny because my “efforts” would never get anywhere. This leads me to believe the answer was in my hands all this time but I ignored it because I was unsure of myself. I diverged from my destined path only for blockages to prevent me from going further because I now understand I was going places that were not for me. This is my calling, the calling I neglected for years but am now ready to fulfill.

Anxious thoughts plagued my mind and tried to talk me out of what is intended for me. They said, “You don’t have the right mindset or know what you’re doing.” Getting over that voice is truly a relief because it was a nuisance. I had to learn that in life, you got to put one foot in front of the other and go. And that is what I am going to do. It will all be okay, and I will learn along the way. I already wasted so much time, and now this is the time to make it right. This is the time I take a chance on myself.